By Rachel Kramer, Ph.D.
Throughout the course of childhood and adolescence, most people will have the experience of navigating complicated friend dynamics. For example, coping with a friend whose attention and engagement run hot and cold, a friend who is not consistently kind, or a friend who seems to relegate your child to the B-list and only reaches out when nobody else is available. If your child is sad, upset, or feels betrayed by a friend’s behavior, it makes sense that you may feel distraught, helpless, or furious that your child is faced with these painful emotions. In addition, often parents feel frustrated when their child continues to pursue a tricky friendship at the expense of spending time with a more reliable friend. You may wish you could say something like, “Why are you wasting your time with [Child A] – they aren’t kind and they don’t act interested in you…and why can’t you see that [Child B] consistently includes you and seems to be a reliably kind friend?”
How can parents support children in seeking mutuality in friendships?
Depending on their age and temperament, children will have varying levels of interest and comfort in discussing their own friendships directly with a parent. If you have a child who is reluctant to talk directly about their own experiences, a helpful way to process ideas around friendship is to discuss content in books, movies, or shows that you are reading or watching together. In addition, some children are more comfortable talking about the friendship patterns they observe in their peers. Conversations about other people’s friendships provide an opportunity to discuss concepts such as what makes a friendship mutual and how to recognize when a friendship feels balanced.
When speaking with toddlers and preschoolers about friendship, focus on using straightforward language such as:
- “Was ____ being a kind friend?”
- “That sounds tricky. How did you feel when that happened?”
- “Can you think of a good choice for a person to make when the friend they are playing with is being unkind?”
With school-aged children, parents can ask questions to help them recognize friendship patterns:
- “There have been a bunch of times when you’ve talking about [Child C] leaving people out at recess. What do you think is a good response when that happens?”
- “I hear that you want to play with [Child D]. They usually don’t decide if they’re free until the last minute. If you want a playdate on Wednesday, I’m wondering if you should try another friend who will definitely tell you whether or not they’re available.”
- “So [Child E] wouldn’t sit with you at lunchtime and that made you feel bad? That makes sense. What happened next? Is there anything you would like to do differently next time?”
Tweens and teens may be able to have conversations about more global, abstract concepts relating to friends and friendship:
- “Does this friendship feel balanced or does it seem as though one person is more invested?”
- “Do you remember when we talked about mutuality? Does this relationship feel mutual?”
- “Friendships often grow and change over time. Do you think this person’s behavior is a fluke or are you noticing that this is part of a pattern?”
Friendship is an immensely complicated and nuanced topic, and the information presented here is a tiny drop in an enormous bucket. If your child is faced with a painful friend situation over the course of this school year, remember that your child is not alone, and neither are you. Managing changing, complex relationships is a part of every person’s experience in childhood. Learning to cope with the sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy, or loneliness that may arise in challenging relationships will build your child’s sense of themselves as someone who can tolerate distress and navigate difficult situations. In addition, learning to identify friendships that feel genuinely mutual will be a skill that will serve children throughout their lives.
